I can’t choose between HMS Austerity and HMS Guillotine. It’s the Queen’s diamond jubilee and I simply can’t decide what to call the boat that we’re going to give her to thank her for the sixty years of utterly thankless Queen-ing she’s done, solely for the good of us plebs. Of course the only way we swinish multitudes can repay her for the service – for which she has never received any remuneration or recognition whatsoever – is to watch and cheer as our money is sunk into a 600ft boat. Upon seeing the headline in yesterday’s paper declaring that ‘Cameron swings behind Royal Yacht’ I was shocked, what on earth could drive the man to commit suicide in such a horrible way? Perhaps he, like us, was humbled by the devoted service given to us by our glorious royal family, and unable to contribute more than a million pounds to the Yacht-fund, decided that suicide was the best course.

The long suffering boat-less Royal Family really puts it all into perspective. I’m sure that the cuts to theatres will all be worth it so that the Royals can enjoy their own private shows on their Yacht, and that the cuts to the air ambulance will be worth it so that poor Prince Harry can be taken by helicopter from the Yacht to a stag party in Chelsea and then back in time for tea. The fees, the cuts, the crushing student debt? That’s all been put into stark perspective for me by the fact that the best bred family in Britain has to hire a boat if they fancy going for a quick jaunt around the world. I can’t even imagine how humiliating it must be to have to explain to a Saudi arms dealer that ‘one does not currently have a boat of one’s own.’

After all these years of service to the nation without even the slightest thanks or recognition, it’s time we plebs got together, made a sacrifice for our betters, and gave the Queen HMS Guillotine in time for her Jubilee. I’m all for it, and I even know a charming Italian man who might be available to captain such a vessel!